Time for Some Flatmate Drinks!

Been in the diary for six weeks because that's the only Friday you could all coordinate it, but here it is: Flat Drinks, tonight, at your flat!

The plan is: meet at ours, everyone gets dressed up, pre-drinks (someone keeps calling it "prinks"! Don't!) and Cards Against Humanity in the front room, then Uber to that sinister club night Theo keeps rolling it at 8AM from, looking haunted and flanked by two ominous skinny tall lads who only ever seem to wear "a waistcoat" and who spend 40 minutes rolling a cigarette while watching you make shakshuka every Saturday.

After that: couple of drinks at your "local" (newly gentrified bar two streets away with no fixed clientele, where the bartender seems spectacularly unimpressed to learn that you live nearby, £6 pints), overly long night bus to an 80s night, dancing so hard you sweat, back to yours for after-drinks and everyone umms and ahhs about getting the coke in so much that you completely lose your boner for it. You quietly play Rocket League on the main TV while everyone chats and drinks cans around you until they all fall asleep, and it's like: yeah. Fine. You could have had a good night out with your real friends, but you see how this was constructive.

Only: wake up at 2PM the next day and everyone else is inexplicably feeling fine and healthy ("We went for a walk! We're roasting chicken!") and you realise in that lost hour when you were trying to find A Number and desperately chasing the buzz of that one bump you managed to cadge in the toilets of the bar, your housemates all actually made friends with each other and now they don’t like you.

This has completely backfired. This was meant to be nice! This was meant to be a nice thing! This was meant to stop all the handwritten notes about who owns which shelf in the fridge! Now you’re going to eat a Domino's alone in bed while they all tidy the flat and hoover up! They are the farmer and you are the pig! In six months they'll all move into a nicer flat with exactly one less room and you won't be invited at all! This was meant to be nice! This was meant to be fun!

YOUR LANDLORD WAKES YOU UP AT 7AM ONE SATURDAY BECAUSE HE URGENTLY NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING IN THE KITCHEN WITH A DRILL THAT INVOLVES YOU INEXPLICABLY SWEEPING UP THE DUST FROM IT FOR TEN DAYS AFTERWARDS, ALSO YOUR RENT JUST WENT UP 15 PERCENT, ALSO YOU LOST AT RENTING.

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