Even 15 Years Later, ‘Metal Gear Solid’ Can’t Fill the Hole You Left Behind

Playing your favorite game should be something that fills your heart with happiness. Like a warm blanket, video games can wrap your mind and soul in a swath of nostalgia and good memories. Sometimes, you’re thrust into a vortex of thoughts about what could have been, instead. Every February 5th, I embark on a journey through the PlayStation 1 classic, Metal Gear Solid. It’s the same date my cousin, Jeffrey Matthew Slosarczyk, left this mortal coil and began his journey through the great beyond. He knew Metal Gear Solid like the back of his hand. And his adoration of the game has become a tradition for me to follow each year since his passing. 15 years later, this walk has become slightly more cathartic and easy. But it’s one that I would rather not be taking if the opportunity arose.

“I’m afraid the man is no match for the legend”

From a young age, my love of video games was inspired by Jeff. Especially his particular taste for games like Metal Gear Solid. After watching him masterfully sneak through this game multiple times, I was a true believer in his skills. Unlocking secrets, finding hidden passages, and giving both my brother and me tips on how to make the most of the game. It was like watching a master at work. After beating the game and unlocking all of the special gear, like the Bandana and Stealth Camouflage, I thought that my time with the game would be over. How wrong I was.

After his passing, I wanted to find a way to remember the good times I had with him. And what better way than playing through his favorite game all of these years later? While I didn’t have the same memory card, the first time I played the game felt terrible. But not in the way you may be thinking. It wasn’t anything to do with the game. It’s honestly aged much better than most PlayStation 1 games. But the memories came flooding back to me in a way I could have never imagined. After a total of 15 playthroughs, I can still feel his presence while I’m sneaking through Shadow Moses.

From a young age, I always compared Jeff to Solid Snake. Their stoic attitudes, their want to put others before themselves without ever thinking of the consequences. Especially seeing Metal Gear Solid for the first time at such a young age. It was always easy to compare Solid Snake to my cousin. Anyone who has played Metal Gear Solid 4 knows why that is the most difficult thing in the world to attempt to process.

“Don’t Forget To Save Your Memories Of Me, Too” Is SOmething I’ll always remember

On the 10th anniversary of his passing, I booted up my copy of Metal Gear Solid. Just as I always did. Although I had played through this game so many times beforehand, something happened this time around that completely blindsided me. While saving my game, a new line of dialogue I had not heard before emerged:

Don’t forget to save your memories of me too.

This destroyed me, in the same way that the ending of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots did years before. I was an emotional wreck after experiencing this, and while I don’t know if it was some form of divine intervention or just Jeff checking in to say “Hi”, it was moving. It’s something that continues to stick with me. Once again on the 15th anniversary of his passing, I was blessed to see this message once more.

Metal Gear Solid has helped turn one of the worst days of my life into something I look forward to, in the most convoluted use of that word to ever exist. While I know that Jeff isn’t here with me on a physical level? There are still little reminders set up in the virtual world to give me that hope and inspiration I need to keep moving forward. It’s the least I could do for him.

It Never Gets Easier, but at Least I Can Get Through ‘Metal Gear Solid’ in Like 2 Hours Now

After 15 playthroughs, I still have to laugh at some aspects of Metal Gear Solid. Even though I’ve done this same song and dance countless times before, there are still times that I struggle with the game. The Revolver Ocelot fight, for example, always catches me off guard. I take a few too many shots before I can finally put him down. Or even the Grenade section against the Gunners/Vulcan Raven in the tank. I’ve played this game so many times, I should be a master at it. But I’ll still find myself goofing up here and there.

But looking at it through a new lens, I can’t help but be thankful. It’s a fantastic game with a brilliant story, even all of these years later. Solid Snake is brought to life by the masterful David Hayter, and every character bounds off of the screen in ways I would have never thought possible back in the days of the PlayStation 1. I mean, compared to some games coming out on the PlayStation 5, the story and voice acting are better here.

Maybe it’s the pain of nostalgia talking, but there will never be another game that can compare to Metal Gear Solid. While I’ve taken this journey countless times already, it’s one I’ll continue to walk until I can meet up with Jeffrey again.