Jacob Zuma, our ANC-approved president, recently claimed his fifth wife. Remember how skeezed-out everybody got when Bill Clinton looked directly into the camera and said “I did not have sexual relations with that etc”? It was pretty slimy, but I’d still much prefer that one-time grossout to our leader openly and repeatedly proclaiming “I had sexual relations with…” then slamming the Jo’burg phone book on the table while Julius Malema slips him a low-five.

Besides the excessive amount of cattle that have to die every time Jacob says his vows, I have a major issue with him hiding behind cultural values as an excuse for open (and gross) lechery. Sure, it’s Zulu heritage that they’ve been practising since King Shaka was napalming the San people, but since when did Zulus also get divorced? In the late 90s our pres decided to part ways with his first wife, Nokosazana Dlamini-Zuma. Google couldn’t tell me how many Goats were sacrificed for this prestigious event. And while we’re on the subject of violent hypocrisy, way to slap a pair of Air Jordans on the bottom of your traditional tribal buck hides and leopard tails. You look like my grandparents got called up onstage at Disney’s Animal Kingdom.

A couple of weeks ago JZ announced he’d shot his seed into close friend Irvin Khoza’s daughter so now another kid gets to share in the myriad of confusing father issues at least 20 other kids currently experience. The country sat aghast as our eminent leader poo-pooed the situation, but this time even his most fervent supporters weren’t buying his treasure trove of excuses. It looks like with this ejaculation, the ball may finally have dropped. The 2014 elections are right around the corner–is he planning to breed a support base for re-election? No, in defense of his actions, he’s called for a “national moral debate.” To be led by him, of course.