Here Are the Monuments Canada Should Build Instead of 'Mother Canada'

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Here Are the Monuments Canada Should Build Instead of 'Mother Canada'

Cape Breton's proposed 'Mother Canada' statue is just too controversial. Here are nine other options Canadians should consider.
July 8, 2015, 7:35pm

Rendering of the proposed Mother Canada statue. Photo via Facebook

This article originally appeared on VICE Canada.

A Toronto businessman named Tony Trigiani has proposed an idea for a ten-story veteran memorial statue in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. The memorial would be in the shape of a woman with her arms outreached for the souls that never returned home.

The problem, and reason that Trigiani is getting so much opposition, is that he wants to build the D-Day memorial in a national park, which means the environment could be compromised. A group of former senior Parks Canada head members wrote a letter to the minister of the environment, opposing the statue. Also, a bunch of people think the idea is pretty lame.

What it comes down to, is that it seems many don't want a Statue of Liberty–esque figure to plop her big feet (and ass) in the middle of a protected Nova Scotian park to represent something that deserves more than this zombie-looking woman. Yet considering Canada is super obsessed with big objects in the middle of nowhere, this proposal might not be surprising to some.

We have the well-known big nickel, the big lawn chairs (in like, every province), the big lobster, and the biggest dinosaur statue in the world. But Canada has some weirder shit like the big prairie dog, a biker bear, big bee, and so many more glorious and ridiculous statues that were designed, approved, and built by some people who thought they were good ideas.

The plan is for the Mother Canada monument to be ready for July 1, 2017, to celebrate Canada's 150 birthday. Since it may not happen, we have proposed nine other tasteful projects for Canada's parks to help restore this nation's reputation on the world stage.

Cape Breton Highlands National Park, NS
We can retrofit Mother Canada by turning her around, her arms are outstretched toward the west, welcoming all the Maritimes' young people back from Alberta. Rita MacNeil's "Working Man" plays 24/7 at 110 decibels.

Algonqiun National Park, ON
The Group of Seven, carved Mount Rushmore–style into the rock face along Barron River Canyon in Algonquin Park. We'll need to clearcut hundreds of meters of trees, but it'll be worth it to eventually go rock jumping off of Lawren Harris's nose. (Making room for A.J. Casson's face is dependent entirely on budgets and available space.)

The 6ix, ON
The Fountain of Drake—white wine spritzer flowing down where his tears would be, into a reflection lake where Houstalantavegas hums in the background. Each penny in the fountain represents each heart Drake has healed with his voice.

Vancouver, BC
In Stanley Park, a giant alabaster joint stretching out over English Bay in honor of Marc Emery's lifelong fight for the rights of marijuana users.

Any national park, QC
An ash tray, six meters in diameter, to sit upon any oversized Adirondack chair across our nation, since we have the biggest ones in the world. For every time oversized, French Canadians want to just go for a rip and hack a dart.

James Bay, ON
A First Nations woman holding a stack of treaties in one hand, with her other hand extended toward Europe across the ocean. To remind European Canadians that if they prefer not to support the federal government's treaties with Canada's original inhabitants that they could always hop back on the leaky boats their scurvy-riddled ancestors rode in on.

The Laurentian Mountains, QC
A Habs fan triumphantly mounting a flaming overturned cop car to commemorate the one hot-button issue that reliably motivates concerned Canadians to take to the streets. Due to likely opposition in Quebec it can be moved to Vancouver with a Canucks sweater retrofit.

Dildo, NL
The inscription at the bottom of this monument reads "Neighbor, love thyself."

Hanna, AB
Same giant nickel as the one in Sudbury, but this one is in honor of hometown heroes Nickelback. (Originality is not their strong suit, y'all.)

With files from Sierra Bein, Chris Bilton, and Josh Visser.