A few weeks ago I headed over to West London armed with my list of sleb addresses with the intention of stealing Claudia Schiffer’s bins. After loitering around her property and peeking in windows for a while (the inside of her house looks like a restaurant from American Psycho, but with more 1980s abstract art,) I was all set to hop her garden wall and grab what I could, but then my friend pointed out there was a fucking ARMED GUARD standing on her front lawn. He was staring at us with this big smug grin and drumming his fingers over his gun holster. So, shaking and empty handed, we walked to the house of Claudia’s nearest sleb neighbour, Sienna Miller. Luckily no-one cares about Sienna Miller, so security was a little lighter over there. I was able to just walk right up and grab a bag.

Upon inspection, the contents turned out to be as boring as her. It was:

A carton of milk
A razor
A bagel (partially consumed)
Some tissues (used)
An empty pack of Ibuprofen
A prescription bag (empty)
Some pots of Gu Chocolate Pudding
Schwarzkopf Supersoft Yoghurt and Coconut Shampoo
Schwarzkopf Supersoft Yoghurt and Coconut Conditioner
Toilet rolls
A tissue covered in some kind of red liquid (maybe blood? Probably wine)
The packaging from a Tesco Finest Sherry Trifle
A box marked Davidoff Adventure

From this I managed to ascertain that:
a) She doesn’t recycle her glass bottles
b) She seems to only eat desserts
c) She uses cheap shampoo

With the other celebrity trash we’d stolen, we tried to make it into something to do with that person. Like, with Gwen Stefani‘s we made it into what an idiot would think a Japanese person looks like, and with Keira Knightley‘s we made food (which we subsequently binged and purged). Only problem is I don’t know anything about Sienna Miller. I asked a couple of friends, and one suggested dressing up her garbage like Edie Sedgwick to make it seem more interesting. But since I’ve been trying to think of what to do with this stuff for about 3 weeks, it’s not looking so fresh anymore and really, I don’t wanna have to touch it. So I went with the next best suggestion of making Jude Law have sex with it.

After a little poking around online, I managed to find out his publicist’s number. I guess being Jude Law’s publicist is a busy job because I’ve tried calling her about 200 times and got an answer phone every time. So about a week ago, I put on my douchiest media worker voice and left this message:

Hiya babe, this is Jamie Taete calling from Vice Magazine. We’ve been doing a series of articles where we take celebrities’ trash and then recycle it into something to do with that person. We’ve had some really big names involved, we’ve had Winehouse, we’ve had Stefani, we’ve had Knightley – rilly big names, lotta fun. And a few days ago, some stuff belonging to Sienna Miller fell into my lap, and what we were hoping to arrange was maybe a photo shoot with Jude in which he would have sex with it. So if you could give me a call back on this number and lemme know ASAP, that’d be fab. Thanks!

They haven’t gotten back to me yet, but I’m pretty sure they will.