THE POOR LIST 2010

There’s nothing more satisfying to us than kicking off the old Hush Puppies, pouring another Nespresso, lazing back on our Jasper Conran, and flicking idly through the latest Forbes Rich List. Lakshmi Mittal, Jay Z, Warren Buffett, George Soros… the continual shuffling of the billionaire deck is a never ending delight to those mesmerized by moolah.

But seeing as how statistically we’re all much more likely to wind up as indigent bums than satisfied multi-millionaires, we thought we’d honor the people who’ve done the most to fly the flag for poverty over the past twelve months.

NUMBER FIVE

PHIL, 57

Occupation: Gentleman Vagrant
Income: “A poor bastard with £600 a month income.”

Vice: What was the last thing you bought?
Phil: This jerkin, for £40.

What’s the most expensive thing you own?
When I get it back, my rucksack. Net value: £201.

What’s your advice for those eager to be poor?
Just check out where you’re going to stay. If you’re in London, don’t worry about food or clothes; you can get those things. But there are some pretty grim neighbors out on the streets–body lice, head lice, you can even find bedbugs on the street; but it’s certainly better to be poor in London than many other places. This is the only city I know of where the homeless put on weight. That’s what they should do with all those anorexic models parading during London Fashion week–put ’em on the street, they’ll soon fatten up.

What about Scandanavia? They love the poor there.
Well. They will re-house you. But on the proviso that you learn their language. So you have to be a bit of a linguist before you get there.

ASDA or Lidl?
If you’re looking for underwear, I’d certainly say ASDA. George, as a brand, is not bad. There are some very good wines at Lidl.

Any vintages you’d recommend?
The 60s weren’t too bad… those around 86 are drinkable. Drinkable. You’ve got your 2008s, 2009s–very good vintages, but really, my advice is just to shop around.

Clare Dyer, HR director of the BBC’s Future Media and Technology Division enjoyed total remuneration last year of £169,800. Is that enough to pay for life’s little essentials?
In her case, no. But then again, I’m not sure how much Botox costs. And I think you have to keep up the treatment indefinitely.

Should Britain bring back workhouses for the poor?
Don’t people work from home already?

Can you lend us a tenner?
Yes, but can you split a £20 note?

NUMBER FOUR

DJ FUNKELSTILSTKIN, 35

Occupation: Senior Old Street Squatter
Income: “JSA – £65 quid a week”

Vice: Are you part of the crew who were squatting The Foundry?
DJ Funkelstilstkin: No. Thank God. They were a bunch of pretentious wankers. They’ve been thrown out now, finally. It was so cliquey in there, you basically couldn’t stay there unless you went to prep school with them.

What was the last thing you bought?
These shell-toes. My mate bumped them from a shop. I got them for a tenner.

What’s the most expensive thing you own?
My phone. I got it the day before yesterday. £30.

Were your mum and dad poor?
Yes. Council estate poor. In Manchester.

Did that make you determined to be less poor?
Hell no. I’m even worse.

Lidl or ASDA?
Lidl. I love their German sausages. My ex-girlfriend was German.

What would you take to a desert island?
A blow-up doll.

What sort of revolution should Britain have: Communist, fascist, other?
It should be surrealist.

What would you do with £50?
Get some weed, get pissed, and get a cheap prostitute.

Can you loan us a tenner to feed our dying Gran?
There’s two… (flicks a V) and there’s two more… (another V), and there’s another (the bird).

NUMBER THREE

CHRIS, 48

Occupation: Homeless drifter
Income: £65/week

What are your style tips to the aspirant urban poor?
Just be yourself.

ASDA or Lidl?
Probably ASDA. I’m not interested in junk.

Faberge Egg or Cartier Alarm Clock?
Faberge Egg. They’re worth a lot of money!

Do you think there should be a revolution in Britain?
Absolutely.

When do you think it should start?
Uh, when people can’t afford food? When the small group of people who’ve got all the money have raised prices to the extent that people just can’t afford the food. The thing is, right now, there’s enough food for everyone in the world, it’s just not distributed properly.

Which sort of revolution would you prefer: Marxist, fascist, other?
Other. I don’t believe in the distinction. To me, they’re all just revolutions.

Do you think they should raise the inheritance tax threshold?
Yes.

How about repealing stamp duty?
No.

Do you think the government should bring back workhouses for the poor?
Yeah, why not?

What would you do with £1 million?
Spend it.

What about £50?
That’s different – I’d have to make sure it lasted me till my next lot of money.

What has the government done for you lately?
Nothing. Stopped my benefits.

They’re making you stand on your own two feet. Say, can you lend us a tenner?
No.

NUMBER TWO

MARK, 49

Occupation: Peace Villager (“I sell poetry for a living”)
Income: “Some days you can make three or four quid. Some days nothing. So it averages about £1,50 a day.”

Vice: What tips would you offer to those who aspire to be poor?
Mark: Well, the good news is that if you aspire to be poor, there are no limits to how far you can sink. Give your boss the finger, empty your bank account, give the keys to your house to someone else, and come on down to the streets of London, then see how much help you get. You will actually get quite a lot. There’s no need to starve–that’s the good news. There’s a drop-in center in Bermondsey where you can get a hot shower seven days a week, and there’s plenty of feeding stations dotted around town where you can go for your meals. We do get a lot of abuse from pedestrians. But we also get a lot of support.

Which is better – Lidl or ASDA?
For price, Lidl.

Which would you rather have: a Cartier Alarm Clock, or a Faberge Egg?
Cartier, so when I finally get around to signing on I won’t miss my appointment.

Do you think they should raise the inheritance tax threshold to £1 milllion?
No. Anything that’s inherited you shouldn’t have to pay for. It’s already been taxed. How many times can you take tax off the same transaction?

Should they bring back Victorian workhouses for the poor?
Not workhouses as such, but I would welcome a system where you’d be given something useful to do during the day rather than having to go look for it. The Americans do Welfare To Work, and it seems to work for them.

What would you do if you had £50?
I’d buy a ticket to Portsmouth to see my parents, have a beer, because I haven’t had one in ages, then give the rest to Maria who runs the peace camp here.

Finally, can you loan us a tenner?
If I had a tenner I would.

NUMBER ONE

ANTHONY, 34
Occupation: Generally Homeless
Income: “£0. Not even signed on. I have to rely on friends. I go to church on Sundays and they help me out.”

Vice: What was the last thing you bought?
Anthony: Cigarettes – £2,77.

What’s the most expensive thing you own?
Actually it was given to me–this phone. It’s probably worth about £30.

How did you get to be so poor?
I’ve been in and out of foster care ever since my parents died in a car crash when I was a kid. Most recently, I had a job and a room, but our landlord decided to increase the rent without notice to the tenants. We went to court, but the judge said he could do what he wants. So we had to move out the same day, but we had nowhere to move to.

Were your mum and dad poor?
No. My dad was a military pilot.

ASDA or Lidl?
ASDA–I always go to ASDA. I want quality not quantity.

What’s the best way to economize when you’re dirt-poor?
I can live comfortably on less than a fiver a day. You know when you go into the shops and they have all that stuff at the front that’s been marked down? I buy all of those. You can eat on that. Happily. Why would you want to spend five or ten pounds a day on food when you can get plenty for £2?

Can you lend us a tenner?
Afraid not. Could you lend me a tenner?

WORDS: GAVIN HAYNES
PICTURES: HENRY LANGSTON