The VICE Interview: Dane Cook

Cook has also been super open about dealing with all this negativity, so we used his Canadian tour as an opportunity to talk to him about a few things outside of the usual topics.

What was your first email address?
First email address was gdane19@msn.com. I don’t think [it’s still active]. It was my first fan email address where people could reach out to me and correspond with me.

What would your parents have preferred you’d chosen as a career?
My mom knew that I was gonna a performer and she immediately encouraged it. My dad wanted me to work with him at—he loved golf, so he basically, probably just wanted me to just work at the golf course with him. I remember like doing Letterman, doing David Letterman and the next day my dad being like ‘that was a lot of fun, we have a caddy position open/available.’

Complete this sentence: The problem with young people today is…
Too much, too soon. They want too much, too soon.

What was your worst phase?
The worst phase was probably—there was a period when I was doing stand-up where I was on the road. Probably about eight or nine years in, I really felt like I was anguishing, nothing was clicking, and I was 28 or 29 and just wasn’t taking care of myself. I’ve never had a drink or drug in my life, but I was just eating not, you know, exercising. And I remembering thinking I need to have every tool in my arsenal if I wanna really, you know, make a go of this. So, I remember hitting my 30s and saying I wanna be healthy and take care of myself.

What’s the nicest thing you own?
I have an exact replica of Han Solo’s gun from Star Wars. Made by the people who made the original.

What conspiracy theory do you believe in?
A few of them. I believe that—well, I guess it’s not a conspiracy theory as much, but… This is—you’re gonna get me off on a tangent on this one… You ever read Chariots of the Gods? It’s all just about how the pyramids are actually like—begins for landing runways and if you look at the hieroglyphics, they’re basically indicators of like this is how to land a spacecraft. It’s almost like a manual. So I—I believe that aliens have been here and probably, you know, the pyramids were their—part of their airports or something like that.

What’s the closest you’ve ever come to having a stalker?
Oh, I’ve had a stalker. Yeah, I had a girl sleep outside my house for three days. And then the police had to come and they interviewed her. She was really scary. And the cop came in and he said, “Well, she’s off her medication, and she drove here from Wyoming and she’s been living in this little minivan.” He’s like, “and there’s everything you don’t wanna see in there from somebody living in a small space.” I said she gonna kill me? And he goes, “I dunno if she’s gonna kill you but she’d definitely—[she] doesn’t think you’re the greatest thing ever.” So I said what do I do? He says “you gotta get a gun.” By the way, I got a dog instead.

Why did you break up with your first girlfriend? Oh boy. I broke with my first girlfriend at a Papa Gino’s, which is a pizza place, in Arlington, Massachusetts. And I think I brought her a slice of pizza first and then I gave her the sad news. And because I’m a guy, about a month late I was already calling her trying to get her back cause I was an idiot.

How many people have been in love with me?
In love with me? Two.

Would you have sex with a robot?
Yes.

If you had to give up sex or kissing, which would it be?
Oh. Kissing.

Without googling, can you explain how global warming basically works?
We have like this ecosystem and the pollution is being held in under the ozone layer. And then there’s—we have these, those like, solar flares that apparently insight them. There’s something in the electromagnetic, whatever those are. That’s about all I can give you.

How many books have you actually read and finished in this past year?
In this past year… Oh, boy. This year. No. Nothing.

Who’s the worst person on Twitter?
The worst person on Twitter is anybody with no picture. If it’s just an egg, I’m not even gonna read whatever it is that you’re tryna get through to me.

What memory stands out to you stronger than any other?
I had a mentor named Frank Roberts who was my drama teacher when I had the guts to finally join drama. Being a person who had anxiety, and after the first class of doing introductions, we all had to get on stage and just do a quick introduction of our self, in front of fifteen people in the class. He approached me, he put his hand on my shoulder and he said, “You remind me lot of myself,” and he said, “I had a lot of fear in me too.” He goes: “It probably prevented me from doing things that I wanted to do.” He did Broadway but he didn’t get to really push it. He immediately saw something in me and I would say his belief in me, and then helping me, you know, kind of his tutelage and on a day to day, talking about, you know, plays and breaking down scenes and he put me in my first play in front of thousands of people in the auditorium. My first lead in a musical. I didn’t even know I could sing. And he changed my entire life because of that, you know, one moment where he took the time to say, “I believe in what you’re doing and I wanna help.”

What’s the grossest injury or illness you’ve ever had?
I had terrible food poisoning at one of my first headlining gigs at the Coconut Grove Improv in Miami. And I would not cancel the show even though I was ghost white and I swear I couldn’t move. I was so sick, but I did the show anyway and had them have a car service waiting for me to take me immediately when I was done to the hospital.