Officially it’s the Soul Patch. You might know it better as the Twat Lip. I refer, of course, to that noxious little cloud of hair that lingers – like a pervert by the school gates – just below the bottom lip.

This is a beard for clean-cut jock-types who don’t have the balls for full-on facial hair. People who don’t deserve a beard. It’s for wealthy white folk with nothing better to do than sit around, noodling with their facial hair.

The Soul Patch: truly the fretless bass of beards.

It might seem harmless enough, but that’s what they said about the Toothbrush Moustache. And the Toothbrush Moustache? Try the Hitler Moustache.

A genocidal world leader with a Soul Patch by 2050. Bet on it.

JON BROWN