Happy New Year! If like me you’re sat at your desk clutching a trough of black coffee, quietly sobbing while you contemplate self-harm or emigration then we trust you had a good one. We certainly did. And that’s why we didn’t write any of these think pieces over the Christmas break.

More Like John Inhuman: Why Xmas Top Of The Pops Was The Worst Thing To Happen on Christmas Day since Mary gave birth in an infection-ridden sty.

Retired at 19: what Justin Bieber quitting music means for the European Union state pension laws.

Lil’ B releases a 100 song mixtape on Christmas Eve. We speak to the hip-hop bloggers who ignored their families and went without Turkey just so they could be first with their track-by-track reviews.

After One Direction have the biggest selling album of the year with a bunch of banjo-filled ballads, which other major artists are going to start ripping off Mumford (clue: it’s These New Puritans)

Sam Bailey is Christmas Number One: How John Bennett from Orange Is The New Black changed perceptions of screws among the British public.

“Guitar Music Is Dead” is dead: why people have stopped writing articles about the death of guitar music.

Bruno Mars and Rihanna are the most pirated artists of 2013. We speak to your little sister and find out how to use Pirate Proxy.

Robin Thicke named sexist of the year. Seth MacFarlane tells us why it should have been him.

Surfboard? Watermelon? We speak to the sexual deviants who claim they know exactly what Beyoncé is referring to in “Drunk In Love”.

Jools Hootenanny Exposed! The “New Year’s Eve” special featuring Ray Davies and Lisa Stansfield was actually filmed in October 1991.

For The Sake of K.D. Lang’s Syne: Why You Should See In The New Year With Canada’s favourite Singer-Songwriter

Kanye West announces that 2014 is the “year he shuts up”. Noisey announces 2014 is the year it shuts down, for lack of Kanye West content.