So Viceland 2010 hasn’t exactly been a maelstrom of blinding web-logs so far has it? No, I’ve pretty much just been rolling around on the floor and watching episodes of Campion (it’s a really slow detective show staring a man so comfortable with his acting career that he doesn’t feel pressured to do any acting at all). But I’m back now, and to complement my lovely American colleague I have my own New Year’s resolutions. Well, there’s only one: Try and work out what the fuck this weird Syrian dildo thing my flat mate got for Christmas actually does. Help me.

What the hell do you measure with letters? Words? My flatmate was given it unwrapped and no-one has a clue what it does. It has one sharpened metal edge (which isn’t sharp enough to cut anything,) a sticker on the base saying Made in Syria and it’s too fat to be a letter-themed letter-opener. What does it all mean?