Are You Super Judgmental? Here’s Why That’s a Bad Thing.

Oftentimes, judgment comes from a place of fear or insecurity. We believe that by harshly judging those around us, we are actually keeping ourselves safe. 

The same goes for ourselves. Think about it: when you judge yourself based on, say, your appearance, you’re silently telling yourself that your worth comes from superficial things like physical beauty. In which case, you likely subconsciously believe that you won’t be respected, accepted, or loved if you aren’t “perfect” looking.

In romantic relationships, judgment and criticism are often heightened. You might catch yourself judging your partner for things you wouldn’t even second-guess about your friend or a stranger. When you’re dating a person, the stakes seem higher. This is someone you’re investing time and energy into, someone you might consider building a future with. 

By judging the people we date, we are typically evaluating whether we could trust them as partners. And while some judgment is actually healthy, helping you determine someone’s morals and your compatibility with them, other forms of judgment can be unhelpful and downright shallow.

A common example of this is the dreaded “ick.” Someone with a higher disgust sensitivity might find themselves judging partners a little more harshly.

Why Are We Judgemental?

I recently read a great Psychology Today article about how judgment can be so strong that it literally sabotages your relationships. In his article, author John Kim, LMFT, spoke about a client who seemingly had the perfect life: marriage, kids, a stable and inspiring career, a vacation house—the whole nine yards. Still, he was miserable.

Through therapy, Kim helped get to the core of his client’s dissatisfaction: he constantly judged everyone, including himself. This caused him to be disconnected from the people in his life.

But his judgment wasn’t a result of him being a bad person. Though we might label judgmental people as rude and difficult to be around, they’re usually the ones who are deeply suffering.

“We chased his judgment down—followed the strings of his expectations—and guess where they led?” Kim wrote in his article. “Straight to fear.”

Kim explained that his client only judged others because he was afraid. He thought that if people didn’t fit his mold, it meant something was wrong with him. So, he pointed fingers at others instead. 

How to Stop Judging People

Oftentimes, all it takes is awareness to take the steps toward healing. Kim’s client wasn’t aware that he was judging others so harshly. Rather, it was a subconscious habit for him. It operated almost like a coping mechanism, a form of reassurance that he was the one doing things right.

So, Kim coached him toward a life of nonjudgment. After a year, the man began to work less, went to couple’s counseling sessions with his wife, developed real relationships with his employees, and deepened his connections with his children.

“I started seeing wrinkles in his clothes (which, in this case, was a good thing),” Kim wrote. “He became a real person.”

Nonjudgment was something I had to practice in my adult life, too. I hadn’t realized how much it had been holding me back until recently. But at the core of all the judgments I held toward others was a simple fact: I didn’t like myself.

I was constantly judged and criticized by those around me growing up, and struggling with mental health issues on top of that didn’t help my case. So, I developed the habit of internally judging others just as harshly as I judged myself. I never voiced my criticisms to other people, but they were still there, holding me back from forming genuine connections.

I sought to find fault in others so that I could feel more worthy myself. But it never worked.

In dating, this was even more apparent. I constantly wrote off guys for the most minuscule reasons. In this case, I was afraid of getting hurt. I’d overanalyze their actions and search for signs of incompatibilities or indications that they would hurt me. And I’d stay in my comfortable little bubble of solitude, where I judged myself just the same.

It was exhausting.

Letting go of these judgments—many of which were never my own to begin with—has allowed me to embrace all different kinds of people. I now have friends from various groups, like the introverted bookworms, the outgoing metalheads, the competitive athletes, the tortured artists, the spiritual hippies, etc. Instead of judging others and myself, I can appreciate and learn from those around me while staying true to my own values and passions.

I once felt I belonged nowhere; now, I feel I belong anywhere I like. Why put yourself in a box?

And when it came to dating, once I healed that judgmental side of myself, I was able to connect with others more deeply, forming actual foundations for healthy relationships.