A Blow-By-Blow Account Of The #BeyonceBowl

If you were too much of a weirdo to not stay up for Beyoncé’s performance at the Super Bowl and just assumed someone would give you all the goss on it later, well, you were right. Beyoncé’s half-time performance was obviously the only reason to watch the Super Bowl, unless you’re a high school jock and/or a person into oversized crockery. So basically, what I’m saying here is Beyoncé had a whole sport as her support act. This is only marginally less extravagant than her low-key gig last month, when she managed to steal the thunder from the President of the United States of America, probably the most powerful man on the planet. Hey, if you liked her, you should have put a mic on her.

So, under pressure and with the world watching, Bey had something to prove, even though she sung a live version of the National Anthem to a press conference and then asked afterwards “Any questions?” (BURN.) This is what happened at the Super Bowl 47:

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There is a countdown to her performance, I think from 5 downwards, but I’m not 100% on that cos I’m busy wetting myself with excitement at the time. I do remember that the 73,000 capacity crowd are counting along. 73,000 – that’s almost as many people that came to my birthday party last year.
A load of super fans flood out onto the field in rapturous excitement. These people are running like they are running away from zombies in every horror film ever. They are so happy, that they actually look terrified. Put it this way, if you happened to trip up at this moment, it would be Mufasa caught in the buffalo stampede all over again. And we all know how that ended.
At about the same time, a booming voiceover – I think they hired the Wizard of Oz* – intones the following monologue: “Excellence must be pursued, it must be wooed, with all of one’s might and every bit of effort they have…”
*Oh, apparently it is “legendary NFL Coach Vince Lombardi”; we preferred it when it was the Wizard of Oz. So we’re just gonna stick to that. “Hey, remember the Super Bowl 47? When the Wizard of Oz spoke at the beginning? Man, that was hella cool”.
From a bird’s eye view, there are two huge flamed outlines of Beyoncé’s profile, looking at each other. The crowd are in the Beyoncé-face-areas, and the stage is the part in between.
She starts with an acapella “Love on Top” because…awesome.
I’m pretty sure she’s singing live. But I don’t know how, ‘cos she is also dancing and putting 100% effort into being excellent. If she had mimed, fuck it, so what. She has a lot on her plate here.
She is wearing a leather and lace corset with mini-skirt which Google reliably informs me is by a designer called Rubin Singer, who, confusingly is not also a singer. I’ll tell you what he is though: HOT. Google Images is a fine piece of technology. Rubin Singer is a fine piece of ass.
At one point, Bey rips off the leather mini-skirt and chucks it into the crowd. I have to watch behind a cushion as the person who catches it gets torn to pieces like a piece of pizza at the end of a party. I am genuinely surprised, and relieved, not to have read about a fatality in this morning’s papers.
Bey, only a song in, manages to make this the sexiest Super Bowl half-time performance ever and she doesn’t even have to “wardrobe malfunction” *COUGH* Janet Jackson *COUGH* SLUT*.
No Beyoncé performance is complete without her classic lie-down-and-roll-around-on-the-floor move, and the only reason she gets away with this is ‘cos she does amazing come to bed eyes at the same time.
There are also a bunch of superimposed Beyoncés doing snow angels on the floor. File under: “cute”.
Her back up dancers are FIERCE-Amazing. Famazing?
Her purple-Afro’d female guitarist, possibly called BG, plays her flying V guitar like a pre-PhD Brian May with sparks flying out of both ends. Of the guitar.
And her amazing female drummer is wearing a gold Venetian mask and going absolutely berserk. Which, by the way, is a very underused word. Beyoncé is head banging.
I think all of Beyoncé’s dancers and musicians are female. #FEMINISM?
It’s 2013, and Beyoncé is still hoping you’ll page her right now. I’m still hoping my girl will send me a telegram, but hell, technology happens. We gotta deal with it.
Bey ends a bangin’ rendition of “Crazy in Love” with an over-the-shoulder pose, and then blows a kiss to camera.
There is a mixture of people making Hova signs and hearts signs in the crowd. And a couple of people not really getting to grips with either and looking a bit like they are making the Vulcan sign from Star Trek.
She does that bit on “End of Time” when she raps as good as Jay.
During “Baby Boy”, some crazy Magic Eye, kaleidoscope thing happens. There are holograms that make it look like there are 150 Beyoncés. A cruel reminder that there is only one Beyoncé. Total head fuck
Oh, and on the subject of “Baby Boy”: Sean Paul, eh? Hahahaha.
At this point Beyoncé makes a face like a lioness protecting her young…
….and instantly switches into a finger-licking-nipple sizzle move. You know the one I mean.
Woah, Beyoncé tires me out just looking at her. She does a lot of effortless squats and lunges that I wouldn’t be able to attempt until I’d exercised and trained for a decade.
Nobody is sexier at sweating than Beyoncé. And I watch a lot of porn and follow men’s tennis.
AND BAM! DESTINY’S CHILD! Dressed like power rangers in leather. Jumping out of trapdoors in the floor and landing perfectly in huge stilettoes. That dude from Man on Wire ain’t got shit on these girls when it comes to balance.
“Give it up for Destiny’s Child!!” yells Bey – as if people don’t recognise them. Which at first, I don’t think people do, cos the arena is so fucking huge. And also because Michelle basically dropped off the face of the earth for the past 5 years. (Also known as a career venture into contemporary gospel Christian albums, LOL.)
Destiny’s Child back after 6 long years. CAN YOU HANDLE THIS? No, actually. I really, really can’t. *Hits the inhaler hard*.
They’re singing “Bootylicious”. Michelle’s mic is turned down really low. You can barely hear her; it is super quiet and awkward. And sly. Kelly’s isn’t massively loud either, but Michelle sounds like she’s singing from the car park.
Ugh, when they pat their asses mid-dance their mics boom.
These girls know how to work a wind machine. Imagine how long they practised in the ladies’ loos with a hand-dryer
They don’t perform “Nuclear”. Probably wise. I definitely think that tune is still on probation.
Beyoncé does that super cute face on “Independent Women” when she asks “Question?”
On “Single Ladies”, Destiny’s Child do that amazing “digging up the garden really quickly but in a slightly robotic way’ dance move that I love. All in high heels that would look down on the Empire State.
At the end, Beyoncé points to her left hand as a nod to Jay-Z, as if to say: “There! He did put a ring on it!” but the message is slightly confused by the fact she’s wearing black gloves at the time and therefore we can’t see the ring.
In place of Kelly and Michelle, approximately 70,000 of the 73,000 people in the stadium take to the stage to do the Single Ladies dance.
Beyoncé starts to sing “Halo”, which is one of the finest pop songs of the last 10 years. This is not up for debate. What is up for debate is the premise of the song, which could easily have been a mix-up with someone leaning against a wall underneath strip lighting.
I REALLY, REALLY WANT Beyoncé to pass the mic to someone in the audience on “Halo”. I want it so much, cos it went so well last time.
Also during “Halo”, she crouches down at the lip of the stage (probably literally, because as we’ve already established, the stage is a giant profile of her own face). Fans scream with outstretched arms. She is v. keen not to actually touch the crowd in case they do that thing where they grab on and don’t let go until tasered. And at the Super Bowl half-time show where everything is choreographed to the second, I don’t think Bey is willing to take any chances.
One person, however, doesn’t grasp this quite obvious reticence and instead grasps Beyoncé. Actually, they creepily reach out and, sort of, stroke her thigh. I’m betting it is a girl and not a guy.

On that, um, tender note, that’s pretty much it. The only thing left to report is the obligatory Thanks to God, and that’s it. Back to the football, you think. Mais non!…

At the end of all that, the Super Dome’s power cuts out. No. Really. At probably the biggest sporting event in the world aside from the Olympics, all the power cuts out. Either they didn’t pay their “Bills, Bills, Bills” or Beyoncé’s performance was so ree-dick-u-lous that it wiped out the whole circuitry.

So, what has the Super Bowl half-time taught us? Basically, Destiny’s Child are back and awesome; Beyoncé is out of this world as a flawless entertainer and has thighs that even Jessica Ennis is probs jealous of; she proved to the doubters that she can quite obviously sing live. Also, we feel sorry for Alicia Keys who sang the national anthem at the beginning of the game but this has instantly been forgotten. Oh, and Twitter tells us that Solange Knowles is proud to be black, that Serena Williams wants Beyoncé’s outfit in white to wear at Wimbledon (PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS HAPPEN), and that Keyshia Cole reckons Michelle ruined the performance. I reckon Keisha Cole’s a bitch. Right? What? OK, night, I’m going to bed, I didn’t sleep. Where am I?