Jealousy is a common feeling we all experience from time to time—sometimes even unconsciously. We commonly notice jealousy in the context of romantic relationships.

This mere emotion is not something to be ashamed of, but rather something to be explored. According to research into the psychology of jealousy, “Although you are often consciously aware of being jealous or envious of someone, sometimes the actual reasons for the envy are buried in your unconscious and disguised by rationalizations.”

When you feel jealous, you might automatically find ways to justify yourself rather than looking at the core of the emotion. You might then grow angry at or spiteful toward another person because you’re viewing them through a narrative driven by your own envy.

Jealousy can naturally occur in friendships, romantic relationships, the workplace, and even family dynamics. If someone else has something you want—whether it be a specific person, a type of relationship, a career achievement, or even a high status—you might naturally search for ways to knock them off the pedestal and “onto your level,” so to speak. 

However, coming from experience, this likely stems from insecurity. In reality, you might subconsciously view this person as higher than you, which might be why you feel the need to minimize their worth through rationalizations.

When this occurs in the context of your friends’ love lives, well, things can get pretty messy. 

Let’s face it: it’s hard being the “single friend.” I’ve spent most of my mid-to-upper 20s with this title, and for a while, I grew resentful because of it. I would feel jealous of my friends who were in seemingly happy, healthy relationships while I went on bad date after bad date. I told myself that everyone else around me was in love, so I must just be broken.

“This is a common ditch that a lot of people fall into,” said Susan Winter, best-selling author and relationship expert. “When this happens, it’s easy to think that everyone but you is in a relationship. But that just isn’t the case.”

Not to mention, “You’re really only ever getting the highlight reel of someone’s relationship, whether it’s on social media or from their own mouth,” Winter pointed out.

I mean, personally, I’ve felt the loneliest and most insecure in some of my relationships—which I’m sure seemed great from the outside looking in. But being in a relationship doesn’t always equate to being fulfilled and happy.

Jealous of Your Friends’ Love Lives? Here’s How to Channel It In a Healthy Way.

However, on the other hand, even if your friends are in healthy relationships, you can feel a pang of envy without projecting that onto them. Instead, try to shift your view and use their loving relationship as evidence that true love is out there, despite the minefield that is the dating world.

“Since there are so many partnered folks in the world, it shows that love for you is statistically possible,” Winter said. 

Today, I try to celebrate all of my friends for a multitude of reasons, including their loving relationships, career advancements, travel pursuits, and more. When you feel happy and fulfilled within yourself, you can feel that way for others, too.

But jealousy itself is not necessarily a negative thing. In fact, it can show you what you truly treasure in life—and what you possibly feel you’re missing.

“Ironically, what you really value in life is more often revealed by asking yourself who you are jealous of rather than asking yourself directly ‘what do I value?’” the Frontiers study explained. “The latter often taps into what society expects you to value; your ‘superego’ takes over—and you are aware only of what you should want rather than what you really want.”

“Envy and jealousy, on the other hand, kick in as a gut reaction in your emotional/evaluative system long before you become conscious of it,” the study authors continued.

It’s perfectly natural and valid to value and crave romantic relationships; and it’s perfectly natural and valid to feel jealous of others who have those relationships. But it’s important to remember that you can both be happy for those around you while working through your own envy.

And remember: Nothing in life is guaranteed. We often think relationships and marriage are these end-all-be-alls that will promise us a lifetime of love and fulfillment. But shit happens—yes, even to married people. Not to get all existential on you, but people can get sick. They can pass away early. They can have affairs. They can fall out of love. They can change. They can file for divorce. 

We will never have complete security in any relationship, and neither will those around us. We only ever have the current moment. So, try not to waste it jealous of someone else’s perceived happiness.