Please Stop Asking Your Married Friends For Dating Advice

Perhaps the best piece of advice I’ve received through my dating journey has been to not ask for dating advice from married couples. 

Most of my married friends—or those who are well on their way to marriage—simply do not understand the woes of today’s dating world. That’s not to say they haven’t faced their own relationship challenges. However, many of them found love at a young age and simply don’t have experience with the modern dating culture.

In fact, I’ve often heard advice ranging from “You should just be alone for a while!” after months of doing just that, to “Just block him and move on!” after venting about a heartbreaking breakup. And yes, those tokens of advice are completely valid and not necessarily bad. But they also simplified the very real, very overwhelming grief and shame I was facing. All the while, they got to be happy and at peace with someone who loved and supported them.

Yes, perhaps I was a little bitter.

But I don’t think many people realize how difficult it is to go through a serious breakup in your mid-20s, after feeling sure you were going to marry the person and having to start from scratch, only to be met with non-committal or manipulative daters with poor intentions. I don’t think many people realize how discouraging it is to get vulnerable with a new person over and over, just to learn they’re actually not at all who you thought they were, and simultaneously blaming yourself for not knowing better, for being trusting and open-minded.

These are issues many of my single friends face today—issues I faced all throughout my 20s, when everyone around me seemed to be settling down and saying, “It’ll happen for you eventually, don’t worry!!!”

I hate to admit it, but I was very much worried.

And when I talked to my married friends throughout those years, I often left the conversation feeling even worse. One would tell me to stay single for a while, while another would tell me to date around, while a different one would criticize anyone I started seeing, while a family member would tell me to freeze my eggs.

Needless to say, my head was constantly spinning.

Let’s Stop asking our married friends for dating advice

Now, this isn’t to play victim or point fingers at happy married couples. It’s just to recognize that you won’t always receive applicable input from people who haven’t been in your shoes.

In a recent article on Medium titled “Never Ask Your Married Friends for Dating Advice,” author Tim Toterhi said, “We [married people] know nothing. Just because we managed to convince another human to say ‘I do’ does not mean we have any romantic superpowers. We don’t. Seriously, not a one.”

He added that, “By now, our references are old, our techniques are stale, and our prowess for navigating the ever-changing social media minefield that accompanies this rite of passage likely falls somewhere between novice and nonexistent.”

Additionally, one Reddit user shared the following post to the subreddit r/WomenDatingOverForty:

“Why the fuck would [we] ask for feedback about dating struggles from married people? They don’t know what it is like out in the dating world. I think that about my female acquaintances who are married as well. They tend to be sweet and clueless about plenty of things. And you know very well if you have some confessional moment, they will tell not only one another all their married friends.”

Okay, a little cynical there, but she’s not entirely wrong. I’ve definitely witnessed that kind of behavior firsthand. 

“The only people who know what the challenges of dating are tend to be people who are grappling with the same challenges,” she continued. “When I am dating, I share all that with single friends, not the married ones. I have also found that when I have said ‘nah, not dating, not interested,’ it is the married people who get the most offended. Then I get grilled, ‘why not, Stan works with a really nice guy, you should get on the apps or learn golf.’ They get upset.”

Couldn’t have said it—or written it—any better myself.

“100%!” someone commented on the thread. “Especially the long-time married ones. They have no idea what dating today is like.”

It’s true—they don’t. Just like we don’t know a thing about marriage, which I can openly admit. 

I mean, I wouldn’t expect my married friends to ask for advice on how to balance a full-time job while parenting their children, paying a mortgage, and still somehow finding time for their spouse.

Another person, who was previously married, also commented on the Reddit post.

“Raises Hand. Guilty as charged,” they wrote. “When I was married, I gave terrible advice to my single friends (unknowingly). It wasn’t malicious on my part, I really wanted to see them happy, but [OP] is right: married people have no idea how bad it is out here in today’s dating swamp.”

So, what do you think: Should we go to our married friends for dating advice? Do your married friends offer relevant tips? Are you married with some valuable insight to share?