Being in a relationship can be a beautiful gift, as supportive partners often provide a safe space to heal and grow. While you don’t want to rely on your partner to “fix” you or solve all your issues without you lifting a finger, it’s totally fair and even healthy to lean on your partner through tough times.

For example, let’s say you’re experiencing a panic attack while in public. A good partner will sit with you, breathing through it as you calm your nervous system and relax back into your body. This is a practice called “co-regulation,” and it can improve both your relationships and your heart health.

What Is Co-Regulation?

According to Sherry Pagoto, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and Professor in the Department of Allied Health Sciences at the University of Connecticut, in her Psychology Today article, “Co-regulation refers to when a person responds to their partner’s stress in a way that calms them down.”

In other words, whenever one person in the relationship is dysregulated, the other makes it a point to pause and be present with them as they regulate their emotions. This, of course, goes both ways. 

“Such regulation produces oxytocin, a bonding hormone that reduces stress and strengthens relationships,” she continued. 

Co-regulation is a healthy practice that many parents will do with their children. This helps teach them how to regulate their own emotions, while providing support and safety. However, in romantic relationships, co-regulation can be quite healing for partners who struggle with their mental health. It empowers them to calm their own emotions and heal.

Co-Regulation vs. Codependency

Coregulation means you and your partner are actively working on regulating your emotions together, rather than one person doing all the heavy work. While at times, one person might be doing the regulating for the other’s benefit (e.g., to calm them down from a panic attack), both partners are involved in the process and pulling their weight. In other words, the two mutually support each other’s and their own mental health and well-being.

Codependence, on the other hand, often involves one partner being the “giver” while the other being the “taker,” so to speak. 

According to Mental Health America, “Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.”

Mental Health America added that some experts refer to codependency as “relationship addiction,” as this is often how it presents itself. Unfortunately, many addicts and alcoholics struggle with codependency.

How to Co-Regulate With Your Partner

There are many different ways you can co-regulate with your significant other. However, the most important part is understanding their needs (and your own) in those stressful moments.

“The first step in co-regulation is to ask your partner what they need in their moments of dysregulation,” Pagoto wrote in her article. “This question alone will gain you relationship points, but be sure to take notes on their answer!”

Additionally, it’s important to regulate your own emotions in the process of co-regulating with your partner. If you’re only focused on their needs while abandoning your own, this will lead more toward codependent behaviors. 

Some specific co-regulation tactics include physical touch, eye contact, reflective listening, breathing exercises, connection rituals, acts of service, and check-ins, Pagoto said.