CIROC STAR – CHESTER FRENCH, P DIDDY, CLINTON SPARKS, JADAKISS

Wow Ciroc, did you really think this would work?

In case you don’t know (and why would you?), Ciroc is a brand of Vodka. And, according to Wikipedia, they were stupid enough to give P Diddy a 50% share in their company in exchange for his endorsement. FIFTY PERCENT! It’s worth an estimated $100 million! Is it because they’re French? Is he still relevant there or something? And what THE FUCK is happening toward the end of the song where he just starts talking about nothing? I can’t find lyrics online (seriously, it bombed that hard) but does it say “and the cold cuts? where they at? I always wanted to say that on a record”? Incase I misheard or it’s some hip hop reference I don’t get or something, here are some other lines which are fucking INSANE;

-What’s life if I can’t be drunk? What’s life, if I can’t get jipped up?
– If ladies are topless, they showed ID.
– Call me Wall Street P.
– The worlds best premium vodka, gotcha!
– Hey yo, Chester French, bring some of those girls to my room man! We on tour, baby!
– I got a car full of girls in the car

I actually feel kind of bad putting this on here, because it’s giving it publicity. And there’s always a chance that some of you might go out and buy some Ciroc. But please please please PLEASE don’t buy Ciroc vodka. Not even as a joke. I beg you.

Oh, and also, there’s a documentary to accompany this song called ‘Cirocumentary’. Good one guys!

SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME – WICKED WISDOM
I saw an interview with Jada a while ago where she claimed that people were mocking her band because they’re racist. To test this theory, I imagined Katie Holmes (the closest thing I could think of to a white version of Jada Pinket; they’re both actresses who are married to closeted gay Scientologists) in a Sevendust tee singing nu metal songs about chid abuse. And ya know what? I didn’t find it funny AT ALL. I guess I am racist.

And make sure you watch this video to the end. Letterman’s reaction is priceless.

BIRTHDAY SEX – JEREMIH
I just started typing out the best lyrics from this song, but soon realised I was writing down the ENTIRE song. I can’t believe this is a real thing. I heard this on the radio the other day too, and there were entire sections censored that I didn’t even realise were dirty. Like, there’s a part where he says “first I’m gonna take a dive in to your water deep”, and the whole thing was gone. What does that even mean?!

SHOTS – LMFAO FT. LIL JON

The first time I heard this song, I was in Cancun, during spring break, on St Patricks Day, in an Irish Bar. Can you imagine how intense it was to hear this song in that environment? The series of involuntary “eugh”s that exited my body were so violent and unexpected, that I thought somebody was performing the Heimlich Maneuver on me.

I really love the parts in the video where they’re squirting vodka in to chickenhead’s faces with a Super Soaker. Can you imagine how that would feel? EUGH!

I LOVE YOU – TILA TEQUILA

My boyfriend has just finished trying to convince me that this isn’t a joke. I’m still not sure if I believe him (she raps about Myspace!), but on the off chance that she isn’t, I’ll include it here. Fuck, can you imagine if she isn’t joking? I’m not sure my brain could take it.

LOSING MY RELIGION – COLTON FORD

No matter how many times I hear this, it’s still funny to me. Even without the video. I put it on my iPod, and every time it comes on, I have to take a 2 minute breather because it makes me laugh so hard. Typing this now, I’m laughing, and it’s been like, at least 6 months since I first saw it. Crazy.

HARAJUKU GIRLS – GWEN STEFANI

I know Gwen is a unique individual and a talented artist or whatever (JK), but how did this get released without a single person telling her it was the worst thing EVER? Can you imagine how many people must have heard it before it came out? Like, HUNDREDS. And not one of them took her to one side and said “er, Gwen, maybe this isn’t a good idea”.

And did I imagine it because I really really really want it to be true, or at 3:35 does she pronounce ‘clothing’ as ‘cRothing’?