“Tolyamory” is the new dating trend where one partner pushes for polyamory while the other merely tolerates it. Some people are willing to do just about anything for the person they love, but how far is too far? Let’s dive in.

What Is ‘Tolyamory’?

In short, “tolyamory” is a portmanteau of “tolerating polyamory.” Not wanting it. Not craving it. But allowing it to occur, often for your partner’s benefit, but to your own detriment.

The first person known to use the term “tolyamory” is podcaster and columnist Dan Savage. In an episode of his podcast, “Savage Lovecast,” he defined a tolyamorous individual as: “someone willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage.”

“They’re able to focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love,” he continues. “And all of those other ways compensate or make the cheating that might be happening tolerable.”

So…let’s get this straight: tolyamory is not the same polyamory. In fact, much of the polyamorous community despises the term/concept.

While someone might agree to tolyamory within their relationship or marriage, this term describes an imbalance in wants/needs. One person craves the freedom to hook up with others, while the other goes along with it simply because they don’t want to lose the connection. So it’s not quite ethical polyamory, where both parties are on board and in agreement.

As Bruce Y. Lee, M.D., M.B.A., explains in his Psychology Today article on the topic, “[tolyamory is] not the same as being fooled either. When you do the tolyamory thing, you know darn well what your partner is doing. You just choose not to do anything about it.”

The agreement doesn’t come from a place of mutual interest, but rather a place of disempowerment.

3 Ways Tolyamory Harms a Relationship

1. It Creates an Unfair Power Dynamic

When one person feels pressured into tolerating something they’re actually uncomfortable with, this naturally creates an unfair power dynamic. One partner is abandoning their wants, needs, values, and boundaries in a relationship, while the other is prioritizing their own. This imbalance can create a host of issues.

Not to mention, even unintentionally, people often take advantage of others’ selflessness. If their partner isn’t objecting to their behavior, they might not see the point in stopping—or worse, they might push even further.

2. It Breeds Resentment

If you have to “tolerate” your partner hooking up with other people, it’s only a matter of time before you burst from resentment. This can happen on both sides, with the freedom-craving partner feeling held back and the tolerating partner feeling betrayed. 

Unless both people are comfortable with and fulfilled by the new arrangement, it might be wise to admit your incompatibilities and end the relationship—before resentment destroys it.

3. It Tests Boundaries

Boundaries exist for a reason. If a relationship started with the idea that both partners were monogamous and committed to each other, a shift toward tolyamory naturally pushes those boundaries. The person advocating for freedom might expect their partner to be on board, pressuring them to accept something they never signed up for or wanted themselves. 

Of course, people are allowed to change their minds at any given time. However, if both parties are not in agreement on the new arrangement, and one is sacrificing their own needs and values, this is a recipe for disaster.