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The Heroes Issue

Tidbits

Dolls with cocks, fans which spread farts.
December 1, 2003, 12:00am

JEFF STRYKER DOLL
Last month we wandered into a garage sale in New York’s West Village, and holy shit, do the gays ever have cool stuff! Check it out—the faggot equivalent of John Holmes as a vintage GI Joe–size action figure. Some dude was selling it for $5, because “It’s gross. The poseable rubber penis makes me feel like I’m touching a tiny dead person.” Whatever, homo. Your loss. We were so happy with this find that we decided to do a whole Tidbits special on garage sales. The following five morsels are collected from three consecutive weekends of driving around in our friend’s car going, “Stop here, stop here!” HOMEMADE SCARVES
The other one this lady made said “Someone in Kansas City Loves Me.” She seemed really reluctant to sell them to us, especially after she heard us going, “Holy shit, how vacant is that? Ha ha ha ha.” But we tipped her an extra $10, so relax, fuckhead. That’s a 200 percent tip. UNIVOX 7” PLAYER
Some asshole charged us twenty bucks for this—TWENTY BUCKS! If eBay hadn’t made collector culture into the biggest seller’s market since crack cocaine, the guy selling it wouldn’t have been a self-important dipshit who said things like, “Sorry man, that’s what it’s worth.” Fuck you, Michael Moore with less hair and bigger glasses. The first 7” we’re going to put in this little machine is “Never Talking to You Again” by Hüsker Dü. Ya heard!? TOOTH SCULPTURES
This was made by some crazy bitch to get revenge on a guy after he dumped her. Apparently, it’s a curse in some country where they still eat their enemies’ hearts. She also wrote “Hex” on a hundred pieces of paper and hid them all over his house. He had a pretty good sense of humor about it, though, and he only charged us 50 cents. POLAROID LAND CAMERA 225
Nobody told us black-and-white Polaroid cameras existed (selfish mother-Fs). It has this neat-o accordion thing that stretches out, and the pictures look like they’re a hundred years old. So we happily spent $50 on the camera and a huge pile of film and sent it to everyone in this month’s issue. THE BEER BELL
Ever since liberation came out (as Gary Coleman would say), women have enjoyed the fruits of not having to cook and clean and do shit for us. That’s great and everything, but there are one or two slave things that women are kind of bummed about giving up. One is having the shit fucked out of them. They liked that. The other is “getting her man a beer.” No idea why they would tolerate such a thing, but they do, so there. It’s really fun to ring it and when she turns around, shake your empty beer in an “Umm…hellooooo?” kind of way. FART FAN
We forget which comedian was talking about how he hates seeing couples on first dates because it’s two people desperately trying to hold in their farts—but he’s right. You’re almost happy when she decides she doesn’t want to sleep over because it’s like: “Bye,” [slam], ppppphhhhhhssshhhtt. So, when we saw this battery-powered clip-on fan for sale, we decided to make it a “Fart Fan” and market it to people on first dates. All you have to do is flick the switch before you let one rip and FAWOOOSHH–– it’s someone else’s problem.


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