London: Gross Alert

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
A public Masturbate-a-thon, the first ever to be held in Europe, takes place in Clerkenwell, London on 5 August 2006. Masturbators ask friends, colleagues and loved ones to sponsor them to raise money for AIDS charities, in order to take part. The amount raised is determined by how many minutes participants take to masturbate and / or the number of orgasms they achieve.  You can also get sponsored simply for having the “courage” to turn up and participate.

Look guys, this kind of shit may wash in San Francisco, but not over here. It’s going to be like the recent Japanese flood that killed 15 people, but a flood made out of un-tested, possibly HIV-ridden semen and vaginal secretions (A.K.A. love juice).

We decided to call up organiser Tony Kerridge to ask WTF he was playing at.

VICE: This is disgusting. Won’t everyone get covered in jizz? Some people can shoot, like, metres.
Tony: Well the spaces are quite big, so that really shouldn’t happen. It’s something that people have got to be respectful, if you like, of other people’s space. I mean, this is a solo thing. Although there are group rooms, it’s a solo exercise. We’re asking people not to invade other people’s space also and get too close. There will be monitors to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Are people going to be partying and stuff?
No. Safety is our principal concern, so we don’t want people coming in there who have had a drink. It’s not appropriate. We will have private cubicles, but there are also group rooms, men-only space, a women-only space and a mixed space.

Are there any visual aids on offer?
Yes, we are discussing that at the moment, but yes, certainly there will be.

Great. What will you do with the oceans of left-over jizz cascading all over everybody like the fountain scene in Fellini’s La Dolce Vita? Do people have to clean it up?
No, we’ll dispose of it. We want to keep the areas as hygienic as possible. We’ll produce paper rolls that will be laid out on the couches. Basically, we’ll ask people to respect the fact that other people are using the space as well.

I read that you’re not allowed to fake an orgasm. How can you tell if people do or not?
Erm…it’s difficult; not so difficult with men, but with the ladies, yes it is. We’re using people with medical backgrounds, so I think it will be possible for them to tell. We’re relying on people’s good faith and if someone wants to take part in this, it’s pointless to pretend.

Will you be doing a drugs test? Coke can make you last for days, so that’s cheating.
No, we won’t. It’s not an Olympic sport or governed by that vigorous standards. You know, if somebody’s dropped a Viagra or something like that, then that’s their business. I think the record in the U.S. is something like 6 hours and 32 minutes.

Ok, well is there any chance of getting lucky if we come down?
No, if you try to, we’ll ask you to leave.

See www.masturbate-a-thon.com for more.