Bilbo Baggins Must Die!

THEY WILL BE THE END OF THIS
COUNTRY IF WE DON’T STOP THEM.

The water tank, a common method for extracting confessions, is a seriously questionable technique in any scenario, but especially against the peaceful Tolkienists. What do the police want them to confess to? Being nerds? If they are trying to deprogram them they are drastically underestimating how passionate these people are. Of course, it’s impossible to discover the authorities’ intentions because they deny the whole affair. When asked by tourists like myself, the police deny any wrongdoing. They insist they only arrest those that are a threat to society. After a few glasses of vodka, however, the official position changes. “These kids are not like when I was a boy or when my father was a boy,” says a man who admitted to being a sergeant when I pretended to agree with his cause. “They are a new breed of Kazakhstan. One without courage or work ethic. They will be the end of this country if we don’t stop them.”

Most Tolkienists are showing Aragorn-like bravery in the face of this persecution. Like many places east of Moscow, all this corruption is leading to a new hatred for the police. NWA and “Fuck the Police” are now common graffiti on the ancient brick walls, and the persecuted would rather die than lose the fight. As Oakbringer, one of the Middle-Earth leaders, so logically put it, “We are doing nothing wrong. We are hurting no one. We spend all our time in the mountains dealing with each other in our own way. The police don’t like it, but we are not going to stop. This is our entire life.”