Dear Vice,
Canned food is being canned. Supermarkets are phasing it out in favour of food in cheaper-to-recycle tetrapacks. So to mark the end of two centuries of canning, I decided to eat nothing but canned food for seven days. To make it interesting, I procured the finest tinned treats from around the world, like canned cheeseburgers from Germany, canned fish from Sweden, canned intestines from Spain and canned bread from the USA. And with this intercontinental smorgasbord spread before me, I grabbed my can opener and dug in…

DAY 1: – 1 can of All Day Breakfast – 1 canned cheeseburger
– 1 can of coke

DINNER
Р1 can of Surströmming
– 1 can of Spaghetti Bolognese

This Scandinavian delicacy is made from fermented herring. Yes, rotten fish. When I punctured the can, pungent gas exploded out. It stank so much I had to take it outside. REALLY salty taste. Difficult to eat without gagging.

DAY 2: – 1 can of All Day Breakfast – 1 can of Double Dragon’s Rendang Sauce
– 1 can of pork luncheon meat

DINNER
– 1 can of Steak and Kidney Pie
– 4 cans of beer

Unexpectedly good. Who knew canned pie was so delicious?

DAY 3: – 1 can of tuna
– 1 can of peaches – 1 can of Jamaican Chicken Viennas
– 1 can of Callos A bit chewy but not too bad considering it’s made from pig trotters and snout.
– 1 can of cow tongue soup
– 1 can of spaghetti bolognese
– 1 can of chocolate pudding Cannedfood.co.uk

DAY 4: – 1 can of Bacon Grill
– 1 can of vegetable strips – 1 can of hot dogs in brine
– 1 can of mixed vegetables
– 1 can of chocolate-flavoured Nurishment – 1 can of bean curd
– 1 can of boiled potatoes
– 1 can of sweetcorn
– 1 can of Pringles
Bean curd tastes a bit like Quorn but worse.

This has been the hardest day so far.


DAY 5: – 1 can of haslets
– 1 can of beans
– 1 can of sweetcorn – 1 can of ox tongue – 1 can of Pringles
– 1 can of soup
– 1 can roast squid
– 1 can of meatballs
– 1 can of sweetcorn Bad food has put me in a bad mood.

DAY 6: – 1 can of Big BBQ
– 1 can of pineapple juice – 1 can of horrible mossy stuff
– 1 can of custard
– 1 can of chocolate pudding – I can of Pringles
This was just a pile of curried moss.

I ended up nearly crying into my custard and chocolate pudding. – 1 can of ravioli
– 1 can of coke
– 1 can of wasabi peas Perhaps the finest meal you can find in a can. A working class classic.


DAY 7: – 1 can of syrupy Japanese stuff with carrots floating in it
– 1 can of Fagioli
– 1 tin of King Oscar’s Szprot Caro
– 1 can of Fruit Cocktail – 1 can of Polsa – 1 can of brown bread
– 1 can of Spaghetti & Sausages
The canned brown bread was stodgy, but the polsa was so tasty I almost forget that it was lungs and brain.

SO glad this is my last meal. I’m not going anywhere near a can opener for a while after this. I’m dying for some salad or something, ANYTHING other than canned mush.

   

RONALD REGAN