Is Your Partner ‘Pocketing’ You?

Have you ever dated someone who seemingly kept you from their friends and family? Or, on the other hand, perhaps you were the one shying away from introducing your partner to your loved ones.

This act, known as “pocketing,” can be a damaging habit in relationships. However, it’s far more common than many believe—especially in today’s non-committal dating world. 

What is ‘pocketing’ in dating?

Pocketing is the act of someone hiding their partner from their personal life, including friends and family. This might look like excluding them from family gatherings and friend outings, or refusing to post the relationship on social media. Basically, they’re avoiding introducing their partner to their loved ones or the rest of the world.

Of course, this can be extremely hurtful to be on the receiving end of this “trend.” However, oftentimes, the person who is “pocketing” their partner might actually be struggling with their own personal hang-ups, wanting to keep the relationship protected or separate as a way to cope. 

But whether intentional and malicious or not, pocketing is not healthy in any sustainable relationship. 

One person posted on Reddit about their personal experience with pocketing:

“[My boyfriend and I] have been together for 4 years, live together, and have talked about many future plans,” OP wrote. “We are, on paper, a secure long-term couple. But my boyfriend confuses me about what I am for him when he denies me spending time with him and his family during important family events, and I have literally never met his friends (at all).”

“Each time we have had conversations about this, they end in arguments,” OP continued. “The reasons are ALWAYS different on why I can’t go, and 90% of those reasons have a solid solution. I’ve seen my boyfriend work around plans to make something work, but when it comes to his PERSONAL LIFE, that’s a no.”

Many of the responses on the Reddit thread were from people in similar situations, whose partners were clearly “pocketing” them.

Obviously, this behavior can damage even the healthiest of connections. So…what’s really going on behind the scenes?

3 reasons why someone might ‘pocket’ their partner

According to Psychology Today, here are some reasons why someone might “pocket” their partner.

1. Fear of Rejection

Many people, especially those with highly critical loved ones, might fear rejection from friends and family when dating someone new. For example, if they’re used to their loved ones disapproving of their relationships or other parts of their lives, they might want to protect themselves and their partners from any judgment. 

Perhaps they don’t think their new partner would fit into their family, or maybe they believe their friends won’t be accepting of their partner’s lifestyle for one reason or another. This fear of rejection can become so debilitating that the person decides to pocket their partner to preserve the connection and their own image.

Really, this boils down to the individual’s own insecurity, not the pocketed partner’s worth.

2. Relationship Uncertainty

If you’re unsure about the longevity of your relationship, you might not want to bring your partner into your personal life. Many people wait until they have a solid, secure foundation before introducing their significant other to their family and friends. This is especially true for those who have been hurt before or are used to being let down.

For example, because I am the only unmarried person in my family, it’s always extra intimidating for me to bring someone new around them. For years, I found myself shying away from introducing a new partner out of here that things wouldn’t work out, and I’d be seen as someone who “can’t keep a relationship.” 

This was my own personal insecurity that I needed to work through myself. It had nothing to do with the men I dated. I just wanted complete certainty—which, by the way, you will never have—that the person was “the one” before integrating them into my personal life.

3. Desire To Maintain Independence

Many people feel like being in a relationship means they lose their sense of independence. Especially if someone is avoidant, they might prefer keeping their social lives separate from their romantic lives. That way, if the relationship were to fall apart, they won’t have to deal with the fallout within their social circle. 

Many avoidants want to maintain that autonomy and refuse to take that next step, as it only furthers the commitment to their partner. However, if they can’t work through those fears, they risk losing a potentially healthy and loving connection.