Millionaires Are Hosting Sperm Races—With Spectators and Betting Slips

Finally, FINALLY, men can eschew dick-measuring contests for a test of sperm mightiness.

A new Silicon Valley startup called Sperm Racing will allow the most exhausted men in the US to finally brag about the speed of their sperm. And it won’t just be anecdotal evidence, as the races will be live-streamed, will have leaderboards so everyone knows exactly where they placed, and viewers can even bet on a winner in the clearest sign yet that legalizing gambling was an enormous mistake.

All of this is to raise awareness about the decline of male fertility. It’s a cause a lot of men in Silicon Valley who flirt with eugenics are deeply concerned about. And what better way to get men interested in the topic of their fertility than by combining jizz with racing?

Sperm Racing Is Here and It’s as Weird as It Sounds

On a microscopic course engineered to mimic the human reproductive system—complete with chemical cues and tiny fluid currents—sperm will compete in head-to-head battles for microscopic glory. Every wiggle and thrust will be captured in high definition and shouted about by commentators like it’s the Monaco Grand Prix if it were kickstarted by an orgasm.

All of this just so happens to coincide with the recent news that I reported on yesterday wherein scientists discovered that sperm self-propelled toward fertilization by whipping its tail in a way that creates little vortexes that essentially act like a jet pack. Whose sperm vortexes will reign supreme?

There will be press conferences. There will be instant replay. There will be weigh-ins. What will they be weighing? Balls pre- and post-cum? God, I hope not. Jesus Christ, I hope not.

Again, all of this is to make male fertility a thing people talk about more openly, or even at all. The guys behind the event hope it inspires men to actually pay some attention to their seminal health, and maybe even get so into it that they regularly measure it and design training regimens that actively improve it.

The inaugural race will kick off on April 25 in Los Angeles, pitting sperm donors from USC and UCLA against one another to determine which college has the fastest cum or whatever. Be there!