Online dating is scary enough. You’re basically connecting and meeting up with strangers you know nothing about. But dating as a single mom? I can imagine it’s even more intimidating.

Many single mothers grapple with the dilemma of when to tell dating app matches they have children. According to Dr. Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, and relationship expert at the dating app Hily, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to navigating this issue. 

However, she outlined and explained the three options below.

1. Telling your matches before you meet

When I used to swipe on dating apps, I often found quite a few single dads proudly showcasing their children and highlighting their parenthood as a priority. To me, this was endearing and attractive, and it never dissuaded me from giving someone a chance.

In talking to my guy friends, I learned that many single mothers are open about being a mom on their profiles, too.

“These people may choose to highlight their children in their profile photos or note what being a parent means to them in their bios,” Cohen explained. “This may be helpful as you are displaying what and who is important to you from the start, and also prevents you from connecting with a person who may not want children or may not want to date someone who already has children.”

However, sometimes it takes getting to know a person before making that kind of commitment and decision. For example, initially, someone might not want to get involved with a stranger who has a child. But had they had the chance to form a connection with that person, they might have had a different perspective. Revealing this information too early might deter daters who are simply unsure of how they feel about kids. 

That being said, it’s also completely valid to want someone who is sure they want children—and who isn’t hesitant about dating a mom. In which case, this is a great way to weed out those daters.

2. Telling your matches on the first or second date

Many single mothers prefer to disclose this information in person rather than online, sometimes after a few dates. 

“These people may choose to meet their match, see if they are compatible, and then share that they have children,” Dr. Cohen explained. “Doing this early on in the dating process would ensure that you don’t continue to see and connect with a person who doesn’t want to pursue someone with children.”

However, she noted that by waiting, your date might think you were intentionally hiding your motherhood from them. If that’s the case, well, I’d say they’re simply not the right person for you. 

3. Telling your matches once you have an established connection

Oftentimes, single moms will wait until they’ve built a foundation with a person before telling them about their kids.

“Some people may choose to get to know their partners on a deeper, more personal level to really assess compatibility and the potential for a relationship before sharing any information about their children,” said Dr. Cohen. 

However, waiting this long to be honest does have its risks.

“While you reserve the right to control how and when your information is shared, withholding significant information, such as having children, may make your date question the connection as they may feel that it was not built on openness and transparency,” she said.

That being said, how you choose to disclose your motherhood is entirely up to you.

“Remember that these are simply a few things to consider when it comes to sharing that you have kids with a potential partner,” Dr. Cohen said. “This is not meant to be prescriptive. Everyone’s situation is different, and ultimately, you have to do what feels right for you.”