Life

Cans! Gym! Shagging! Your Guide to Leaving Lockdown

The government is going to loosen the lockdown – here's what the next few months have in store.
07 May 2020, 12:11pm
friends drinking
Photo: Sian Bradley

Time to find your house keys and put something on your arse other than those crusty joggers you've been wearing for the last six weeks. That's right: freedom is around the corner. According to The Mirror, the government has draw up a a 50-page road-map to a loosening of lockdown, with the blueprint showing a staggered relaxation between now and October.

Reflecting on this news, a government source told the Mirror, "It's a bit of a shambles. Nobody can quite agree what to do and when to do it. Somebody comes up with a bright idea, but the practicalities get in the way." Smell the freedom!

Officials fear that easing the lockdown too early could cause a second wave of the virus, but if anyone mentions that just put your fingers in your ears, shout "LALALALALA NOT LISTENING" and let the good times roll on.

I took a look at the roadmap to bring you this guide on what the next few months are going to look like for you.

1. From Monday

Unlimited exercise will be allowed. You emerge, squinty-eyed, from your cave and quickly realise that exercising once a day is more than enough.

Employees are encouraged to return to work if it's safe to do so, which is another way of saying the government is cutting furlough payments and you have to risk your life to keep your boss afloat. Your landlord texts to say that this means your rent postponement is over because "things are back to normal".

Garden centres reopen, but you don't have a garden, and news footage of wealthy suburbanites stocking up their estate cars with turf makes the life-threatening task of scrabbling through the kitchen window to sit the dodgy flat roof behind your flat feel even more unjust.

2. End of May/Start of June

Households could be allowed to expand their "social bubble" to meet one other household of family or friends. Joining the Church of Scientology would cause less chaos in your social life. You get into a huge fight with your housemate who somehow thinks his D&D circle is technically a family. A beg friend you haven't spoken to since January messages you asking if you want to "bubble up with me".

3. June (End)

Phased return of secondary schools in England before the summer holidays. Outdoor gatherings of fewer than 30 people are allowed. Everyone is horny and drinking tins in the park. Am I 16 again? Is this heaven?

I Miss Worrying About Nothing

Someone you matched with on a dating app in March agrees to come round, but then asks you an extensive list of questions about your health. Seeing your room through their eyes, you realise what a festering cave of despair it has become and have to postpone until you've spent a full day cleaning.

Watch Liverpool win the Premier League behind closed doors.

4. End of August/Start of September

Pubs reopen, but both the social distancing markings on the floor, reminding you of the virus, and pissed up idiots ignoring them makes them nightmarishly anxiety-inducing places to go.

5. October

Things begin to resemble normality. Football fans are allowed to attend matches again. Gyms re-open. Before you get your arse in gear to go to either, everything snaps shut again as a second wave of the virus hits.

@SimonChilds13